Redemption

This date has caught my attention for the past 9 years, but today, it has seemed like a much bigger deal to me than before.  For the past few years, when I hear or see August 27th, something is slightly awakened in me and I feel like the date is important.  Sometimes it takes a couple of seconds to remember why the date stands out, and then I remember, with a quickening in my stomach.  Today, it didn’t take as long.  I remembered that it was coming a few days ago, made a mental note, and then forgot.  I forgot until this evening, as I was sitting with my family in the living room.  It’s then that I remembered that 10 years ago today, I married a guy named Dylan. It’s so strange.  I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions stirring around in me at the moment.

My husband just came and joined me in the living room, and to be honest, I’m a little angry at the fact that I am distracted from him with memories of the day I married a guy named Dylan.

You know what’s amazing, though?  Jared lets me embrace the memories.  He doesn’t require me to stuff them away and hide them from view.  He lets me talk, and he loves me the same as ever.  He came out and turned the TV on.  I told him I was blogging about this and that I really needed to be able to concentrate.  I felt guilty even saying it, but he understood.  I offered to get up and go in our room, but he said “no”.  He told me to sit here and blog.  He’s running to the store to get some wine.  I told him I’m probably going to want a glass after I finish with this! So, where was I?

The emotions.  Yes, I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions surrounding this 10 year mark.  I think about all of the hurt that was brought on as a result of marrying Dylan in ‘98.  But, there was joy, too.  I used to feel guilty about this, and still do to a degree.  I feel guilty that I’ve experienced joy with anyone else as a husband.  But, I can’t help that.  There was joy when we went to YWAM Denver as newlyweds, and then to Pakistan on a mission trip.  Joy when we saw God protects us in huge ways.  Joy when we watched Him provide for all of our needs.  Joy when Gage entered the world and we were able to see our son for the first time.  Joy when we watched him take his first steps together.

There was pain, too.  And, unfortunately, the pain started coming more and more often.  The pain of watching the man I loved choose drugs over his family.  The pain of waiting up all night, wondering where he is and how much money he has spent.  The pain of thinking about my son’s future with a father who can not stay sober.  The pain of having to hide the checkbook.  The pain of waking in the morning to his confessions.  The pain of visiting my husband at a rehab, wondering if he’ll make it this time.  The pain of wondering when I will be able to trust him.  The pain of watching my dreams and desires crash around me.  So much pain.  Pain that I never thought I would experience.

Remembering August 27th is sad in many ways.  But, it also reminds me of all that God has restored and made right in my life.  I have a husband who is steadfast.  He loves God and wants to carry His hope and promises with him in this hurting world.  He loves me unconditionally and serves me unendingly.  He loves Gage as his own child and had all of the paperwork drawn up to adopt him before we were even married.  He is a man who keeps his promises and I can trust him completely.  God has provided far more for Gage and I than I could have ever even imagined.

I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that if I had not married Dylan, my life would not be as it is now.  It seems that I made a mistake on August 27th, but in reality, I didn’t.  My life was and is in God’s hands and He directed every step that I took.

Had I not married Dylan, I would not have Gage.  If Gage had not entered the world, I would not have been at East Carolina University in January of 2002 as a single-mom, full-time student.  Had I not been at ECU, I would have not crossed paths with Jared, who was immediately drawn to MY CHILD.  Let me stress that again.  MY CHILD.  He was drawn to my child, first.  Not me.  So, you see.  It all had a purpose that I would have never in a million years been able to come up with on my own.

I wonder how it will feel when I hit the 15 year mark and then the 20 year mark?  I don’t know, but I feel certain Jared will be right there beside me through it all.  He’ll tell me it’s okay and that he loves me, scars and all.  That is priceless.

Now, I’m going to go enjoy a glass of wine with my husband.

Click above and check this out.  I LOVE it!

The two big hits of our first day back at school were a nature walk and writing words in salt. Going on a nature walk with Gage is extremely entertaining.  He gets so excited about EVERYTHING and he doesn’t miss a thing.  We saw water striders in the creek, spiders, caterpillars, a really nasty algae filled pond, some cat-tail buds (don’t know the correct term for this) that had not yet opened, and plenty of other things.  Gage even ran into one of his friends on the way and so he enjoyed having his friend come along.  At first, I was afraid he wouldn’t pay attention to his surroundings with a friend there, but that wasn’t the case at all.  I think our friend got a kick out of Gage’s zeal for nature.  Shea had a great time, too, playing in the little stream, and he is the one who found the caterpillars.  He told me before we left for our nature walk that he wanted to find some caterpillars, and he did.  On the walk home he started saying, “We had a good time on nature walk, Mommy.  We found caterpillars, and wocks, and this stick.  Me like nature walks.”  I do, too, Shea.

As for the salt, I never knew it would be such a hit in this house.  Gage hates writing, and so after he finished his copywork for the day, I sat him at the table and poured salt on a plastic plate.  We smoothed it out and he wrote his spelling words in the salt.  He LOVED it.  I couldn’t believe all the words he spelled, and he kept asking me for more.  Shea saw what we were doing, and didn’t want to be left out.  So, I poured some more salt in a plastic container for him and he happily occupied himself for at least 30 minutes.

We finished school around 2:30, so our first day is officially finished.  Now, I’ve got to do something about the piles of laundry and the wreck surrounding me that is supposed to be a home.  I might need to vacuum up all the salt, too, and make sure the caterpillars we brought home haven’t escaped.

Isn’t this gorgeous?  I took this from my parent’s back porch.  The Intracoastal Waterway at it’s finest.

I have been completely engrossed in planning for Gage’s school year.  We’re starting back tomorrow, so I’m doing the unnatural (for me, at least) task of making a schedule.  Oh my gosh, this is so hard for me!  So, I’m taking a break to fill you in on our recent trip to NC.

Shea and I spent 3 nights with my friend in Greensboro (her husband abandoned her 6 months ago), while Gage went down to my parent’s house.  That worked out really well.  Shea entertained himself, for the most part, while I did my best to do some of the things a single mom of 4 can’t possibly find time to do.  I can’t even find words to describe how rich our visit was.  To be in the midst of such suffering and absolute chaos, but still see the hand of God moving in huge ways is astounding.  She is suffering and life is hard, but she is still finding joy in her children.  I was reminded of God’s grace to see us through minute by minute.  She said, “I can’t even think about how I’ll get through tomorrow, or I’ll start freaking out.  I just have to get through today.”  I can’t tell you how many times I looked at her, shaking my head, and said, “I don’t know how you do this.”  But, we both knew the answer immediately.  God is being glorified in this because the only explanation as to how she is making it is that He is sustaining her and even giving her joy along the way.

After spending 3 nights in G’boro, my friend, along with her 7 year old son, took us down to the coast to see my parents and sisters/nieces.  She and her son were able to stay there and have a mini-vacation for 3 nights with us.  We went out in the boat with my Dad and just enjoyed spending some stress-free time together.  And, we were reminded of why we are such close friends.  There are so many similarities between us, it’s scary!

After my friend left to go home, the boys and I continued to enjoy our time with family.  My little sister took me to get my hair done, I had breakfast with my mom at a local coffee shop, where we talked for 2 hours straight, we went to the beach, out in the boat, threw my Dad a surprise birthday party, went to church with my sister and then out to eat with both sisters after church, went to Lake Waccamaw (a place I had never been), sat at Starbucks with my big sister, made soap with my big sis after the kids decided they’d had enough, and the list goes on.

Around day 10, both boys were making it clear to me that it was time to come home.  My Dad started chuckling at me and said, “Gage, you better watch out, your mom’s about to blow her top.”  This was after I said, “I’m so done with this!  Put me on a plane and send me home!”  I know, such a great way to make my family feel loved.  They know I love them.  It was just TIME TO COME HOME!

So, that’s our trip in a nutshell.  Here are some pictures to enjoy.

Yes!  There are two of these cuties.  You’re not seeing double. They belong to my friend and I was so happy to spend some time with them.

This is another little cutie that belongs to my friend.  Shea enjoyed playing with him.  Don’t you just love that red hair?!

Gage and my friend’s 7 year old, congratulating Shea on his first catch ever.  His Papa had a lot to do with it!

Gage preferred the waves.

Shea preferred the sand.

My niece, Cayla.  Isn’t she beautiful?

An excited little 3 year old with his dinosaur cake.

Celebrating With Cousins

Shea being silly with his Mimi

I’m getting ready to go get on a plane with my kids.  Flying by myself with the kids is always stressful for me.  Pray that all goes smoothly and that I will keep my cool if things go wrong.  Thankfully, there are no layovers!

I will be spending 5 days with a close friend who has been abandoned by her husband.  I hope to just love on her and her 4 kids and remind her of the great hope she can count on.  Unfortunately, it’s the ONLY hope any of us can count on and it is a GREAT hope.

I will also be spending time with my family and am really looking forward to it.  The boys are VERY excited! More to come later!

Gage went to Science Camp this week, so Shea and I enjoyed some one-on-one time.  Jared was able to join us at MOBOT one of the days.  The weather was perfect with overcast skies and a nice breeze.

“Photography can lead us on a pilgrimage to see the world in a different light. It can become a spiritual discipline as we stop to pay attention, to be patient, to center and to focus our eyes on the world in a new way. Photography is a path to stilling the heart and soul in order to sense the presence of God in the beauty of God’s creation.”  I found this here, and this completely describes why I enjoy taking pictures.

Shea is “flying” over the treetops as an owl.  This tree exhibit in the Interpretive Center at MOBOT is AWESOME!  If you’re in STL, you’ve got to check it out!

We wrapped our week up with a morning date to Forest Park.  We left Shea with Emily, took Gage to Science Camp, and headed over to the Forest Perk Cafe to enjoy cheap ($.79) and really good cinnamon buns and coffee on a breezy patio.  It was so relaxing to sit under the umbrella and talk while watching sweaty runners and cyclists stop off for a break. Then, we made our way over to the Art Museum and enjoyed an iPod tour of the featured exhibit, as well as the Gordon Parks exhibit (awesome, by the way!).

To top the day off, Gage and I dropped Shea and Jared off at home and went to Six Flags for the afternoon/evening.  We had a blast and Gage is a full-fledged roller coaster junkie, for sure.  He takes after his Mama, and this Mama was just glad to realize she can still be a kid from time to time.

I’ve been keeping mental notes lately on all of the things that have been bringing me joy or amusement.  So, I thought I’d share some of them with you all.

~Watching my 8 year old LOVE the buffet at Cici’s Pizza.  This kid has nothing but lean muscle on his bones and he is usually so busy he doesn’t care about eating.  All of that changed when we walked into Cici’s Pizza!

~Twenty-Five cent air hockey game in the Cici’s Pizza arcade.  Why didn’t I discover this sooner?  I’m always so cheap, we don’t even venture toward game rooms.  So, Gage (8yo) was thrilled when I played two whole games with him.

~Bowling with my boys (husband included) at a place called Woody’s.  $1.50/game, and that includes shoes!  And, there is an indoor climbing playground, too, for free.  All of you fellow St. Louisan’s, this is the place to go!  The shoes are like new.  That alone is good enough reason for me.  Warning:  It’s owned by a local church, so you may see way too many hokey Christian t-shirts in one place for a lifetime, but, it’s STILL worth it!

~Jelly shoes in the dollar section at Target!  I put them on and told Gage all about how cool they were when I was little.  What in the world were we all thinking and why in the world are they back?!

~Dropping my 8yo off at a science camp in the morning, spending 3 uninterrupted hours with my 3yo, and then hearing all about my 8 year old’s day on the way home.  I love that he tells me all of the details.  I hear that all boys aren’t like that, so I’m thankful.

~Sitting across from my 3 year old in a quaint little coffee shop as he savors every morsel of the cinnamon bun I treated him to.

~Wandering around a pet store with my family.  This is so entertaining for the kids, and it’s totally free.  Oh, and you may be entertained, as I was, when you discover that they are selling pet joggers.  It’s a jogging stoller for a pet!  This can be yours for $129.99!  And, by the way……………..remember the days when they actually had dogs for sale in a pet store?  I’m glad for dogs that they no longer have to suffer, cooped up in cages like that.  But, it really does make going to a pet store much less entertaining.

~And, last but not least, I am looking so forward to a date with my husband Friday morning.  We will be going out for breakfast and to the St. Louis Art Museum ALL BY OURSELVES!  I have NEVER been to the art museum without my kids, so I am thrilled.

What random things have brought you pleasure this week?

I am just like my Mom.  I just caught myself doing a Sandy thing.  I often find myself doing Sandy things.  I brewed an entire pot of coffee at 10:15 PM.  Did I mean to brew a whole pot of coffee at 10:15 PM, you might ask?  No, I was supposed to set the timer for the morning, but instead hit the brew button and didn’t even realize it until the aroma of fresh brewed coffee filled my apartment.  Now, if I was exactly like my Mom, I’d say, “No biggie.  I’ll just turn it off and reheat it in the morning.”  Nope.  That will not work for me.  I’m a coffee snob and have to have fresh coffee.  So, one pot of coffee wasted.  So sad.

That’s what came out of my mouth last night as I tried to pick friends up from the airport.  (and, by the way, I was by myself, kids not present!) I am telling you, I am horrified at the filth that rolled off of my tongue.  You see, I am very familiar with STL airport because we frequently pick up our friend Mandy.  There is a 5 minute pick up area, with parallel slots alloted for those doing a quick pick-up.  I waited my turn, passing by a few cars who were already sitting in their spots.  I pulled into a parking space and began scouring the crowd, looking for Matt and Emily.  Within seconds, I heard banging on my driver’s side window, inches from my head.  As I turned around, there was a witch employee waving her hand, telling me I had to move on.  I rolled my window down and said, “Excuse me?”  She continued to motion with her hand, very dramatically, telling me to move on.  I looked behind me and saw that ALL of the cars I had just passed sitting, waiting their 5 minutes, were STILL sitting there.  What the heck?!  So, I responded, “Why don’t I get my 5 minutes?  These other cars are getting their turn. “  She continued to say, very rudely, I might add, “Ma’am go around.  You have to keep moving.”  My voice raised an octave and I said, again, “I don’t understand!  Why don’t I get the same 5 minutes these people behind me are getting?”  At that point, she lifted her walkie-talkie up to her mouth and said, “I need PD down here to 5 minute pick-up.”  What?!  She’s calling the police on me?!  By that point, I was boiling point mad.  I continued to sit there, looking over my shoulder through the rear windows of my van to see if I could spot Matt and Emily.  Still, no sign of them.  The witch then informed me (as if I didn’t hear her call them) that the Police were on their way.  I’m telling you, the hatred welling up inside of me toward this woman was so intense I could have spit in her face.  I managed to tame my words and spit out, very hatefully, “You people are jerks!”, as I rolled my window up and proceeded on to circle around.

I picked up the cell phone and called Jared, asking him to check on the flight status.  By this time, 30 minutes had passed since they had landed and I figured they were waiting for me somewhere other than 5 minute pick-up.  Now, I say that I asked Jared to check their flight status, but that was only after I informed him of the witch I had just dealt with.  And, my informing was more like yelling and cussing every other word.  I think I can safely say that Jared has never heard such filth come out of my mouth.  Yes, he’s heard filth come out of this mouth, but it is highly unlikely he has ever heard that much filth at once from me.  I think I should have been a hard-core marine or something.

Am I proud of the way I acted?  No way.  I’m actually pretty horrified.  It scares me that I can actually feel hatred like I felt last night toward anyone.  But, it’s also a really great reminder for me.  I am reminded of the fact that I really do need a Savior and that I’d be a wreck without Him.  I am so thankful that I don’t have to curl up in a ball and beat myself up over this.  It’s not about trying to fix it and make myself do better.  Do I repent?  Of course.  But, I can know that this has already been taken care of.  It happened on the cross and it’s not about what I do, it’s about what is already done for me.

Through the absolute filth that came out of my mouth (and heart, I might add) last night, I am reminded that I have a Savior who paid my penalty.  I am looking forward to the day when I can meet Him face to face and somehow express my gratitude.